Wednesday 5 May 2010

Wednesday 5 May 2010

I felt like I made a fool of myself today. In physics, I found out that I couldn’t throw a ball straight up in the air. In electronics/chemistry study the whole electronics room was quiet and not messing around. Daniel told me that it was more ‘exciting’ when I wasn’t in the electronics room. The most embarrassing part was in maths. I felt like I portrayed myself as a quiet, ignorant fool. Philippa sat next to me – and as I was dragging the desk along, I stepped on her graphics folder. Maybe she didn’t see it but I’m sure she did. Sophie came in with my folder, which I left in D11 from the biology test at lunchtime. Chontelle, which in my conscience felt like she thought I was ignoring her. At the start, she played ‘damsel in distress’ by yelling out ‘I don’t get this’. I didn’t help her. Near the end of class, she gave up. I felt like I should have talked to her more.

After school it was usual at home. I did a lot more reps with the laptop box weight than I did 8 days ago. Bench: 35, 27, 27, 20. Although I can not see a physical difference, I can feel myself being stronger. I lifted my sister up with ease – easier than usual.

But I’m still worried I made a total fool of myself at school.

[Undisclosed Name]

I can’t believe the little things I stressed about back in high school, I mean making a fool of myself for stepping on a girl’s work folder by mistake? Not helping Chontelle in biology? The worries I have now make those things seem so insignificant.

But I have so much regret about girls in High School. I was too much of a coward to talk to them properly and was always so nervous around them, and now I’m living with 5 girls! I cringe at how nervous and odd I acted around girls in High School, and although I’m not Prince Charming around them, I’m proud of how far I’ve progressed in the span of 3 years.

I feel foolish for making my own ‘laptop box weight’. It was only 20kg’s and looking back at it now, I wish I had bought proper weights instead of doing 35 reps of a 20kg homemade weight. But I was too scared to tell my parents that I wanted weights. I was too scared to tell my parents anything to be honest.

It’s going to be tougher than I thought going through my diary – I am jealous that Chontelle has a boyfriend and that I missed my opportunity with her. Now it hurts to think about it and I’d prefer to avoid the subject at hand, but I know it’ll be good for me as hindsight for my mistakes I made in High School (And university).

Tuesday 4 May 2010

Tuesday 4 May 2010

I’m quite relaxed and happy now. No homework. No worries. Tests in school didn’t worry me. I had to rest the chemistry test, and I’m worried I might have the complex ions wrong, but confident I will get excellence. Today was the last day for the potato chip test and I’m confident I will pass and get better than most of the other students in biology. In chemistry, I took a huge breath of ammonia and almost passed out. I was cleaning up the test tubes the extra water caused a reaction with NH3. In maths, I sat near the and yet again the desks were moved. I couldn’t read anything on the board. I was too short sighted. As usual, after school passed by quickly and again, I almost forgot to write in my diary again. Chontelle K. said her usual math friends had ditched her. I wonder if she would have said it if I wasn’t there, or if she would have said it to me if Kowen wasn’t there.

Ow, I have pins and needles on my arm and hand from leaning on it now.

A lot of the times, I remember I have nothing to write about and so I just write about school and what I did in each subject. Yes, my life was slow and boring since I was a shy introvert with no opinion. I have tried changing that, but the dullness of my personality seems to be sticking with me.

It all seems so small now, all the subjects I took in High School, they don’t even matter here in university. I don’t even know why I was caring so much about school, when in theory all I needed was University entrance, and that’s where my real education began. I’m even more shortsighted than I was before, but now I have glasses, which I only wear to lectures to read the text.

I was naive about Chontelle K., and it’s another major regret of mine. I mean at the time I was thinking – did she like me or did she like my friend Kowen? I didn’t know at the time but I should have seen it; it was obvious she liked me but I was too ignorant to see the signs. Not only that but I didn’t know how to flirt back and it was always her initiating things with me. I wish I could go back and change that. Now, at university, she has a boyfriend and seems very content with where she is in life, so I feel like I missed a massive opportunity because she is an amazing girl.

Monday 3 May 2010

Monday 3 May 2010

The morning was freezing. It took a lot of effort to get up. School wasn’t exciting nor disliking. It was a pretty cruisy day, although I wish I had more female interaction. Every time I see Alex M., I can’t seem to not ‘spy’ on her. I saw her once in form time and yet I can’t seem to not glance over in her direction every 30 seconds. I don’t know why. I think about it and we’d make a bad couple, and yet she captures me attention whoever I see her. Love is cruel.

Well anyway biology was quite good, even though we had a test. I feel good about the biology test. Graphics, as usual, was miserable. I don’t even know why I took it. Mr Hollands marked our Art Deco bus shelters and I’d only done my concepts and orthographic.

Today my dad was home and as soon as I came home from school, my mum was saying how moronic my dad was for locking the door, even though there was someone in the house. I have finally realised why Every time they’re home together, they argue. It’s kind of sad to say this but I prefer it when my dad was at work in Waipukurau.

Tonight I almost forgot to write in my diary. I’m slowly getting the hang of writing in a diary.

[Undisclosed Name]

It still gets me, that major ‘what if’ about Alex M. She asked for my number in Year 9 in High School, but I never responded and I’d always had that ‘what if’ in my mind all through the rest of High School. But instead, I just admired her from afar. What if I’d given her my number? What if we became a couple, what would be different now? I still think about that sometimes, but I was too much of a coward to actually give her my number, even though she asked for it.

It actually hurts me quite a lot to read what I’d written about my parents and how they acted when I was a kid/teen. I mean, I don’t claim to be an expert in relationships nor raising kids, but I know that it’s really bad to fight and argue in front of your kids, especially putting down your husband. I still remember those feelings strongly, the confusion of what to do, the hate and resentment for my parents and the ignorance of what effect it would have on me later on in life.

My mum was always the dominant one, my dad just took the abuse and barely argued back. And I realise now that I’d learnt my weak/beta behaviour from watching this all through my life. I hate both my parents, and although I try, I know that I’ll never be able to forgive them for my miserable childhood and unresolved childhood problems.

Sunday 2 May 2010

Sunday 2 May 2010

Today I feel kind of happy and relaxed. I saw Justin Bieber open a bottle of shaken up L&P in an interview. I spent the morning fixing up the foldable chair – which broke in the afternoon while I was sitting on it. I tidied up my room and hoping to leave it tidy. I want to be a better person, for myself, and I want to learn to do a lot of things. Like I want to learn how to use a stick as a weapon and how to juggle. I can’t believe my life is so boring. Thinking of other people’s lives makes me jealous. I stay at home all day every day except for school. I hope tomorrow will be more interesting.

[Undisclosed name]

I remember watching Justin Bieber in that interview on the TV show “What Now?” He got really angry and walked out of the interview, but came back a while later.

The days of my youth – this second diary entry describes it very well. Doing little solitary things in my room like fixing my chair, and wanting to change my life so badly. I was sick and tired of the boredom, loneliness and solitude. I was socially awkward, which made things so much harder – all I wanted was to be liked and have a more interesting life, like everyone else.

I still can’t juggle nor use a stick as a weapon, but that is no longer important to me anymore. Things have changed a lot. I mean now, I still stay at home a lot, but I’m free. I’m flatting in Dunedin, away from my parents, and can go out whenever I want, no questions asked.

When I think back to how my youth was wasted in solitude though, I have a lot of regret. I could have done more, or at least have learnt to be more of an Alpha Male instead of being so shy and nervous around people.

Friday 1 May 2010

Friday 1 May 2010

Today, I started writing in a diary. A Simpsons Episode inspired me to write a diary, and I wanted to start straight away. But I never got around to it until now. Today, I did nothing in the morning. I waited til lunch, and then played on the computer for the afternoon. And that was my day. I wish my life was more interesting. Yesterday, I finished watching Pride and Prejudice. It was such a beautiful movie and the ending was predictable, but I loved it.

I had very little to say in my first diary entry, and I don’t remember much about it. I remember though, that it was the Simpsons episode called “The Colour Yellow” which inspired me to write this diary, and I was hoping that some day someone years and years from now will find it and read about my life. Of course, looking at the amount of of the paper I’ve used after a short period, there was no way I was going to continue writing on paper.

I think I wrote this during the school holidays, while I was in Year 12. I was extremely bored and was not a social person, and had a very dull life. Even in this diary entry, I could tell I was a bit awkward in many ways and didn’t have much to say about anything.

I think this date may be wrong as well, it should say Saturday 1 May. I can’t believe I got the day wrong on my first diary entry!

Pilot

Back when I was 16 or so, I started a diary (I think it was because I felt lonely and depressed). I didn’t write for as long as I would have liked, but I still used quite a lot of paper.

Instead of always having to carry it when I move houses/flats, I have decided to put it on the internet and burn the original. That way I don’t have to fear anyone I know reading it, and I can always have the memories when I need it.

Along the way as I type out my original diary, I will post comments about what I think now about myself back then, and hopefully I’ll learn a lot about myself along the way.

Maybe you can learn as much as I do about life just from going through my old diary.